Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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