I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
