I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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