I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
