So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my shit smells like andre
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
