I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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