I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
