1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
