why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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