Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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