You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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