are you still at the devil's house?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
