a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
