I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
