fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
