I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
