You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
