How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
