My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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