well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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