i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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