i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
