he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
