My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
