i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize