have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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