Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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