I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
