so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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