we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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