It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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