I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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