it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
