you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize