We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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