"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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