On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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