I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
