i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
