The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
