she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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