You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
