Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
