I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
