whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
