I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
