every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
A bitchslap is in order.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
