I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
