I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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