I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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