ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
