happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
