dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize