i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
