i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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