I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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