the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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