I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
