life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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