I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
