Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
