Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Also, beer. Big fan.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
